


Scars

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Depressing as hell, Gay Sirius Black, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Self-Harm, depressed!sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 18:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sirius self harms and remus finds out.this might be triggering to some people as it is about sirius self harming and past abuse. please read with caution.





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> lol hi. this is my first wolfstar fic. i really hope you like it as this is my first fanfic in like 2 years.  
> i just got this idea like last night that sirius was a self harmer because of how he was treated in his childhood home idk. and i wrote it in the middle of the night and it doesn't make alot of sense, but please give me feedback and tell me what it could add/change  
> ALSO TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! i will not stop mentioning the trigger warnings thank you very much

“mate, we have charms in five minutes. you awake?” remus asked and pulled apart the curtains around the bed and he was greeted by a shirtless sirius. they had been dating for about a month but sirius, confident and cocky sirius had refused to take off his shirt. and now remus understood why.

remus saw scars that were littered from sirius’ wrists to his shoulders. some were just thin, pale lines, and some were big, pink and sticking out of his skin, there were even some fresh wounds. but they were everywhere. 

remus gaped at the sight and sirius immediately covered his arms by putting on his shirt.

“padfoot, what ha-“ remus begun but he was quickly cut off.

“get the fuck out, i’m changing,” sirius snapped back and buttoned up his shirt.

“i-i’ll see you in charms then...” remus said quietly and walked out of their dorm.

 

remus had scars, it was no secret. they were everywhere but he could hide the bigger ones with his clothes. and of course he hated them, it was a reminder of the beast he turned into every month. he always hid them as best as he could, except for when he was with the marauders. they didn’t care and they made sure that remus knew that. 

 

sirius however, made sure that his scars were hidden. james had seen a few but sirius always changed the subject when james asked questions about it. 

he always made sure to sleep in a long sleeved shirt, always showered alone and never, never rolled up his sleeves.

the others assumed that is was manners and old routines from his childhood home that made him hide his arms, and they never thought much about it. 

sirius was thankful for this, it was easy to hide his pain by pulling pranks and being snarky. it was easy to surpress everything, it was easy to hide a flinch when the teachers raised their wands or when someone raised their voice. it was easy not to talk about anything and then cry in your bed when the others were asleep. 

it was so easy to hide, he’d done it for three years now. and he was supposed to hide until he was ready to tell remus, and he definitely hadn’t been ready this morning.

 

charms had gone to hell, sirius was quiet and didn’t look at remus, or james and peter for that matter. and remus couldn’t stop looking at sirius’ arms every now and then, just to see if his sleeve had slid back a little so he could see the scars again. 

it obviously made sirius uncomfortable, as he kept tugging his sleeves down.

after class, remus grabbed james by the wrist and pulled him away from everyone.

“mate, i might resemble sirius a little but i think you grabbed the wrong bloke,” james joked and remus shot him a cold look.

“i did not pull you away to snog you, prongs,” remus said and let go off james’ wrist. he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “i think sirius might self harm.”

“you’ve seen the scars too?” james asked and swallowed hard, suddenly very serious.

“yes, i walked in on him changing this morning and it was horrible! they were literally all over his arms and i can’t stop thinking about it, i think i even saw some fresh wounds,”

“well that explains why he’s been so quiet this morning, he didn’t say a word in class..”

“yeah, i noticed. and it’s my fault ‘cause i made him uncomfortable in the first place,” remus said and looked at his hands.

“we’ll just have to talk to him later, but i think we should let him ignore us until after dinner,” james replied and remus nodded.

 

sirius sat alone in an empty hallway by the dungeons, contemplating whether he should punish himself again for letting his boyfriend see his scars. he probably shouldn’t, not now at least.

he sat there for god knows how long, letting the sobs rip through his body. a few students passed, one or two stopped to ask how he was but he just ignored them, not wanting to open up to random people. 

”mr. black?” a stern, yet soft voice, belonging to professor mcgonagall (or minnie, if you were the marauders), broke through the sound of his sobs. sirius looked up and immediately wiped his tears, urging himself to calm down. he took a few deep breaths and looked down again. professor mcgonagall crouched down opposite of sirius and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. sirius flinched violently, earning a frown from professor mcgonagall.

“mr. black,” she repeated. “what’s going on?”

“oh, nothing. i’m downright peachy, minnie,” he replied, forcing a grin.

“so the crying student in the dungeons isn’t you?” she said. sirius sniffled quietly.

“i can’t see why you would think that, as i said, i’m downright peachy,” 

“no one has seen you since charms today, mr. lupin, mr, pettigrew and mr. potter are quite worried,”

”i don’t want to see them, or talk to them right now,” sirius swallowed hard.

“why don’t we talk in my office then?” mcgonagall asked and stood up. 

“i don’t want to talk to you either,” sirius stood up too and walked away.

 

“where the fuck is he?!” remus almost screamed and kicked his bed poster with every word.

“moony! calm the fuck down! he’ll be here! okay?!” james yelled back. he forced remus down on the bed and sat down next him. “he’ll be here, but he doesn’t want to talk right now. he’s always been like this and we just have to wait it out.”

james put an arm around remus.

“wormtail talked to minnie, i’m sure that she’ll find padfoot and talk to him-“ in the middle of james’ sentence peter burst into the room.

“she found him, and then he disappeared again!” peter exclaimed. 

“have you been checking the map?” remus asked. peter suddenly looked embarrassed.

“i forgot that i had it...” he mumbled and pulled it out of his robes, and before he could even look at it remus had snatched it out of his grip and quickly pointed his wand to it. he mumbled “i solemnly swear i am up no good” so quickly that all the words jumbled together. he checked all the sides of the map and found sirius at the top of the astronomy tower. remus threw the map aside and ran out the room.

 

remus ran all the way to the astronomy tower, he bumped into alot of people and only stopped to catch his breath at the bottom of the stair case. then he made his way up the stairs.

sirius stood by the edge, smoking a cigarette. 

”you got a square?” remus asked and went to stand a feet away from sirius. he leaned over the edge and looked at sirius who nodded and handed a cigarette to remus. 

remus wasn’t a big smoker, he mostly did it when he was drunk or really stressed, but he lit the cigarette nontheless and took a long drag.

”i don’t want to talk, remus.” sirius said. his voice was hoarsh from all the crying and remus’ heart broke a little at the sound.

”i know you don’t, but i’d really like you to, when you’re ready. and i think you should tell prongs and wormtail too,” remus said and took another drag. 

they were quiet for a while, smoking and looking out over the grounds. every so often, sirius edged closer to remus until they were close enough for sirius to rest his head on remus’s shoulder.

”my parents...” sirius said and swallowed hard. ”ever since i was sorted into gryffindor, hell, even before that, they made me think i was worthless and deserved pain. my mum even used the cruciatus curse on me once, right before i ran away and moved in with prongs,”

remus bit his lip and put an arm around his boyfriends waist carefully.

“i guess that when they weren’t inflicting pain on me i thought i had to do it myself. and it’s addictive, you know? i don’t know why but it’s so addicting to feel something outside that reflects what i feel on the inside,” tears were now streaming down sirius’ face again. “i’m sorry, moony,” it was a mere whisper, but remus heard it and it broke his heart a little more.

“don’t apologise, please..” remus replied and wrapped his arms around sirius.

“i love you, moony,” sirius said after a while.

“i love you too, padfoot,”

 

later that night, sirius climbed into remus’ bed with a t-shirt instead of a jumper. sirius laid down with his head on remus’ chest. remus traced some of the bigger scars on sirius’ arm with his finger.

”will you talk to me, or prongs? if you want to hurt yourself, i mean,” remus asked. 

”i’ll try,” sirius nodded.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! i personally don't think it's fantastic but it's something lol


End file.
